Oops #139: If you pump one boob, the other will start to “produce.”

Oops #139:  If you pump one boob, the other will start to “produce.”  Ya know this should be one of those things that the lactation consultant shares with you in the hospital but she doesn’t.  Actually she may tell you this, but you’re so full of adrenaline that remembering this piece of information just isn’t on your priority list.  Yes, it’s not usually until your first night out without the baby that this fact rears its ugly head.  I remember my husband taking me to see Les Miserable for our first night out since having our first.  I crammed myself into a little black dress looking nothing short of a stuffed sausage even with Spanx on.  I put a pair of heels on that I was pretty confident I would never get on my feet again due to swelling, and miraculously I felt like 1,000,000 bucks.  I walked out the door of our house and peeled out of the driveway for a night of nothing but adult talk and cocktails. 
Into the Fisher Theater I strutted, and I ordered my first adult beverage in what felt like ages, and it tasted GREAT!  It wasn’t until almost intermission that I started to feel a ridiculous tightness in my chest.  As I looked down I could see my dress was about to explode because “the girls” had reached their maximum capacity.  I looked at my husband and said, “I have to go pump, I’ll be back in a sec.”  I walked into the bathroom looking like Dolly’s twin sister , sat in a stall and reached in my purse for my little hand-held pump I brought with me for this exact purpose.  Now at home I used an electric pump and I could pump both girls at once.  This little device was only meant for one girl at a time.  I lowered my dress, undid the most hideous nursing bra you’ve ever seen setting both girls free, and started pumping my right side.  It was then that I noticed a stream of milk dripping down the back of the bathroom stall door.  Where in the hell was that coming from?  As I looked down, I saw that my girl on the left was upset she didn’t get invited to the party and decided to have a party of her own.  Dear God, what on earth was happening?  My left side was shooting a stream of milk clear across the stall.  No one ever told me this would happen, and in a matter of one minute I was covered from chest to toe in breast milk.  At that point I did what any hormonal women on her first night out of the house since having a baby in the middle of a disaster would do, I started to cry hysterically. 
All I can say is thank God for the woman in the stall next to me.  Apparently I wasn’t being really quiet with my crying and she asked me what was wrong.  After going into way too much detail with a complete stranger about what was happening behind my stall door, she asked me to let her in so she could help me.  This stranger, however I’m convinced it was Jesus himself in female form, came into my stall with hand towels and cleaned me up from head to toe.  After she helped me put my bra back on (I know you’re thinking. “Weird,” but it didn’t seem weird at the time) she gave me a pep talk that would rally a football team before a championship game.  We walked out of the stall together and I held my head high, dried my eyes, and realized I got this.  I hugged this poor woman so tight and thanked her for being so understanding and promised her that someday I would pay it forward and return this favor to a mom in need. 
By the time I made it back to my seat, the play was ¾ of the way over and Brian looked as though he was about to send a search team out to find me.  This was a lesson learned the hard way, ladies.   Had it not been for that amazing woman who wasn’t scared to squeeze herself in a little stall with a half-naked hormonal nut job, I would probably still be in counseling over this. 
New moms out there, take it from me, the girls may not always decide to play this game, but the best way to beat someone at their own game is to always be one step ahead.  Consider this post your step, my friends. 




This is a picture of me and two of my girls out on the town not to long ago.  It’s not the night I talk about above however, between the 3 of us mom’s we have 10 kids. Looking good ladies, looking good!

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: