Oops# 5,280: Swimsuit shopping and a 1 ½ year old don’t mix!!!! You would think that by my third kid I would know that attempting to shop, period, for anything for myself is nearly impossible with a toddler.
It was a couple months ago and I had actually taken the time to shower that morning before getting my older two kids on the bus. This is something I rarely do because I typically spend my two days home from work doing laundry, grocery shopping, running errands, etc., so who on earth needs to shower for that? I’m so that mom that wears her pajamas to the store and I don’t even think twice about it. I keep praying that someday those people from “What Not to Wear” will pop up and whisk me away to NYC for a complete makeover, but unfortunately it’s yet to happen. Anyway, I must have been feeling sassy this day because after my shower I chose to put on jeans instead of one of my 500 different pairs of black yoga pants. Yep, a jean is considered dressing up in my world. Sad, I know. I even took the time that day to blow dry my hair and dress Andrew (my 1 ½ year old) in something cute. Ladies, if I’m not scared to go out in public in sweats, I sure as shit am not scared to bring my son along for a ride on the “things one should never do in fashion” train with me. That day I had no real purpose for going to the mall other than the weather was cold and awful. The thought of staying at home yet another day was either going to drive me to start drinking at 10:00 am or introduce my son to a “Real Housewives” marathon and even I know neither of those options are appropriate (most days lol).
I strutted into Nordstrom; after all, if I was all dressed up, I might as well frolic with the upper-class for a change, bought myself a expensive latte, and walked around as though that’s the place I always shop. For some crazy reason Andrew was totally on board with this plan. Usually I have to alligator wrestle him into the stroller, followed by tightening the straps to the stroller so tight that Cedar Point would be jealous, and then bribe him with goldfish crackers to not scream bloody murder. I went through every department at Nordstrom that day, and thus far not a peep out of that kid. Had the gates to Heaven actually opened for me a titch? Was God giving me a hall pass? All signs pointed to yes, and I was reading that message loud and clear!
I made my way upstairs to the bathing suit department, and needing a suit, I contemplated trying a couple on. It was just a thought in the wind until the cute Nordstrom sales woman came up to me and not only told me she liked my jeans, but also commented on my lip gloss. “Oh this suit would look great on you!” “Yeah you really think?” “Oh, yes. You have the perfect shape for this cut.” This is when I tried to spit some fashion knowledge, after all I do read USweekly, and said, “I know one pieces are so hot right now. Loving the new cuts and colors they’re bringing back.” Dear God, did that just come out of my mouth? I commend this woman for keeping her laughter to herself, as I know I sounded like a complete idiot and my “I shop at Nordstrom all the time” cover was completely blown. After picking out 4-5 swimsuits, the saleswoman put me in the handicap dressing room at the end of the hall so the stroller would fit and I had room to move. I shut the door and looked at the dressing room and smiled because all of the swimsuits I had chosen were displayed so nicely throughout the room. I placed Andrew in front of the 3-way mirror and my little angel just smiled back at me as I started to undress.
I tried the first suit on and oh, dear God, can we just say I’d like to stab whoever created the lighting at Nordstrom. Even Target knows to dim the lights and angle the mirrors. Every ounce of cellulite and varicose vein was clear as day. It was gonna take a full body wet suit, not a bathing suit, to make this body look even remotely appropriate for the public eye in this lighting!!! As I started to shed a tear, Andrew began to get restless. I did what any mom would do and got out the good ole trusty goldfish crackers. After all, I hadn’t given them to him since our arrival at the mall, so I was sure I had just bought myself a good 10 minutes of peace. I took off the first awful suit and tried on the next. Yep, still no go. Not as bad as the first; however, not good enough to show the sales woman who kept nicely asking if there was anything I needed. Next thing I know Andrew started thrashing around in the stroller and crying “the cry”. You know the one, moms. It’s the cry that says either get me the hell out of this stroller or I’m going to make your life a living hell. Great, now what was I going to do? I still had 3 more suits to try on and I was determined to brave through this tantrum come hell or high water. I tried as fast as I could to get the suit I had on off, and get the next one on; however, Andrew’s screaming was obnoxious at this point. I kept hearing a couple other voices in the dressing room, so I knew I wasn’t alone, and decided to unleash the beast and take him out of the stroller. Wrong move, Moms, wrong move!!! See, the dressing room walls didn’t come all the way to the floor. There was a gap that it only took Andrew 2.2 seconds to discover, and the next thing I know he made a run for it. Yep, there I am in the buff and my 1 ½ year old has managed to crawl out of the dressing room and is running like hell. “Fu@*!!!!!” just flowed out of my mouth and not in a calm and soft tone. I grabbed my shirt to try to cover my chest and cracked open the dressing room door to see Andrew at the end of the hall standing at the opening. He just gave me this look as if to say “One false move, bitch, and I’m outta here!” “Andrew, come here, honey. Andrew, come back and I’ll read you Brown Bear! Andrew, show me your belly!” I was pulling out all the stops to get this kid to even move just one foot toward me, but he wasn’t budging. I kept praying that the sales woman would come around the corner and snatch him up for me, but no luck. The voices I once heard in the dressing room were all of a sudden silent. Come on ladies; help a sister out and grab my kid, but nope. Then I remembered I had my emergency stash of M&Ms in the diaper bag. M&Ms are like the Holy Grail and you can get any kid to do just about anything for even just one M&M. Now I had a decision to make. I could either continue to try to talk him back to me, or I could roll the dice and take my eyes off of him and grab the pack of M&Ms in a last ditch attempt to not have to streak Nordstrom and scare everyone, including myself, for life. It was at that moment that I yelled “Stay” and went for the M&Ms. I took the diaper bag and vigorously shook it up and down until every last thing had fallen out but of course the M&Ms. I frantically looked in the bag and there they were stuck in one of the pockets. I grabbed them and started shaking the package of M&Ms like a mad woman with treats for a dog. I raced back to the door and opened it up just in time to see Andrew start to make a dash for the store. I then started to scream, “ANDREW, DO YOU WANT SOME M&MS? LOOK, LOOK, I HAVE M&MS!!!!” Andrew then stopped and looked back at me as if to call my bluff, but at that second he spotted the M&Ms and now the decision to make was his. I opened up the package of M&Ms and put one in my mouth saying, “Oh man, these are so good! Do you want to try one, Andrew?” He just looked at me with a stone cold face and then took one step towards me. Oh God, this may actually work. “Andrew, oh man, these are so good! “ I then squatted down with the door cracked even more open (there will be counseling to be had for this poor kid due to what he had to have seen) and put a handful of M&Ms in my hand and placed my hand through the crack. “Come on, Bud!” It was then that my little devils spawn started to stroll his way slowly back toward my dressing room. I was sweating like pig and ready to cry, so I flung open the dressing room door and started running like crazy down the hall. I scooped Andrew up and made it back into the dressing room, dropping all of the M&Ms everywhere. I slammed the dressing room door and declared victory!
After I alligator wrestled Andrew back into the stroller and placed the straps on extra tight, he knew momma would NOT be fooled again. He then started to scream and I didn’t even care. I actually looked at him and said, “Go ahead and scream! You are a run away turd ball, Andrew Anthony! Next time I’ll let you run and you can see how fun that is. Actually I won’t because there will NEVER be a next time. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. ” I cleaned up the dressing room and got dressed as quickly as I could all while with Andrew screaming at the top of his lungs. I was completely disheveled and all I could think about was getting the hell out of the mall as inconspicuously as possible. As I started to make my way to the elevator, the sales woman ran up to me and said, “Did any of them work for you? Is everything OK?” “I just looked at her while trying to hold back tears and said, “I’m sorry about what the dressing room looks like. This just isn’t going to work today” and got on the elevator.
Ladies, please learn from this BIG mistake. Kids can smell weakness and will ALWAYS take advantage of these opportunities. Bathing suit shopping is something that should be left to the one time a year you actually go shopping with your girlfriends or by yourself. If you too are a mom who’s had a streaking experience, and not in a drunken college kind of way, then know you’re not alone. Learn from these experiences and then share them with your friends. It takes a village to get through motherhood, and knowing there are other residents in Wacky Town is the only way we’re gonna survive!
I have no idea what you’re talking about mom, I’m an angel!